The Perfect Christian Wife: No Heels, Hemlines, or Husbands Required
The Perfect Wife
No Heels, Hemlines, or Husbands Required
by Jessica Lawson
"She's the perfect Baptist wife." We would joke. But it's not really a joke.
She had the dress two inches beneath the knee, sleeves always covering her shoulders, and any hint of cleavage was guarded four inches above for good measure. Hair perfectly placed in a headband and bow.
She was often compared to Belle ... you know, the Disney princess. Her smile was adorable and genuine. She loved the Lord fiercely.
As a growing Christian WOMAN, I learned inadvertently that this was my new standard: the perfect, modest, educated, kind, soft-spoken, wife-material woman. "Okay, challenged accepted," my 18-year-old self thought.
For a year, I tried. I tried really hard to be the perfect Baptist wife, flirting with praying for theology majors, I mean suitors at my Baptist university.
"What kind of church do you want to lead one day??"
"Oh, I've read every name in the book of Numbers."
"I read Revelations just for fun, but I'm saving Song of Solomon for my wedding night."
I joke, but it's not really a joke.
I pursued being the perfect Christian WOMAN in all of the ways that I externally saw, which led me to find an older Christian woman to mentor me. Of course, I chose a pastor's wife I knew. The gold standard. It’s right there! Just like the streets of heaven.
But she didn't teach me how to be the perfect Baptist wife. Instead, she challenged my view of being a Christian WOMAN and showed me how to follow and serve Jesus as Jessica ... just Jessica.
......That mentor told me to not commit to anything more than what I was already doing.
But what do you mean I can't earn God's love for me?
......That mentor told me being a pastor's wife is hard, difficult, and not for everyone.
What do you mean you don't just blog how cute your kids are and occasionally pray on stage for women's events??
......That mentor told me to sleep when I was tired and not get up extra extra early to have a quiet time.
But God won't love me if I don't spend one hour in His Word each day, right??
This mentor couldn't meet with me every week or every month. She would have to cancel sometimes. We didn't have an agenda. We just talked for an hour maybe two sometimes. And it changed who I was becoming. I didn't learn from her victories as the perfect Baptist wife. I learned from her failures and her grace for mine. The areas I thought I was pursuing perfection, I was really after pride.
The next mentor I had was my church's pastor's wife. I was a different Jess when I pursued her: Less uptight, more looking for another spiritual mom because, well, I'm a lot. For our first meeting, we went to Denny's. She talked about how she decided to be herself 100% of the time as a pastor's wife. She loves wearing jeans and vowed that she wouldn't let others' expectations push her to not be herself or wear what she didn't want to wear. I timidly mentioned I loved wearing skirts and she said, "That's great! Wear skirts if you want to wear skirts. I'll wear jeans because I want to wear jeans."
Why did it take me 7 years of being a Christian for me to find the freedom to dress like myself at church?
Why Church, why?
I really wish the church taught me how to be a woman who learned from her failures, instead of pushing unrealistic standards that created a legalistic fantasy of being the perfect wife. What if the Church encouraged me to find mentors who had stories of faith in the midst of turmoil or perseverance in the midst of suffering, not just the highest standard of holy wifehood?
Imagine if those 7 years were spent learning how to become a follower of Jesus instead of the perfect wife.
I have learned some WEIRD and just FALSE world-views of being a wife, a mother, a friend, a daughter, and even a follower of Jesus.
It seems like the things I was taught about being a Christian woman as a teen in the Church versus what I watched years later as an adult explicitly differed. So much of the woman I am today is because of the women I got to follow, not the youth group leaders who participated in some drive-by legalism -- let me hit you with some heart-crushing truth how you don't measure up and walk away. Let me explain...
There was the college leader who chastised me in front of male peers for having my sports bra showing and demanded I go home to change right before I was supposed to photograph a pep rally that was starting.
You're a whore if your bra strap shows.
There was the public praising of the gentle, soft-spoken girl at summer camp, and where the female director said, "Gosh she's just so godly, she never makes a fuss."
You're a disruption and ungodly if you speak your mind.
There was the older woman I told how an older Christian male married leader was making me uncomfortable. She said, "Why are you trying to disrupt their marriage? ... It's probably your fault anyhow."
You're dishonoring God if you make a male leader look bad.
Do you know why we perpetuate legalism? Why we pass it along? Because we can control it.
We're in charge of the judgment, the sentence, and the reconciliation. We don't need God when we live in a world of Christian-made legalism.
Oh sweet Church, can we please stop perpetuating false ideals of femininity on our women and disguising it as godliness?
Deborah, the only female judge mentioned in the bible, was a total badass. She is a heroine and prophetess who leads the Israelites when they are threatened by the Canaanites. She forms an army under the command of Barak, and together they destroy the army of the Canaanite commander Sisera.
Deborah has to stand up to others to follow what the Lord tells her to do. Deborah empowers others to be just as strong and lets her homie Jael (also a badass woman) kill the commander with a tent stake and hammer.
Deborah spoke up. Deborah took charge. Deborah was an amazing leader over men.
Ruth! Ruth loses her husband when her story begins. Ruth stays faithful to her mother-in-law and works hard. One of the most used verses of the bible at weddings is actually in context what Ruth says to her widowed mother-in-law before they trek through the desert. So next time you're at a wedding, tell the bride to say that to her mom-in-law instead. Ruth 1:16-17
Ruth worked hard. Ruth acted in honor. Ruth provided for her family.
This bible we have holds the real examples of how to be a great woman of God. There are no heels, hemlines, or husbands required.
Frankly, so does the Church. My next mentor was an older Romanian refugee who was fiery AND passionate. She didn't want to be called my mentor. She pushed me to serve and fellowship. She taught me to never get upset if someone flakes because they are sleeping "The Lord grants sleep to those He loves." We never had a set meeting of mentoring. She always had fresh bread made that day. And she was used by God to teach me one of the biggest lessons I needed for ministry — to not hold on to hurts from the Church.
If you're an older woman with younger Christian women in your circle, get coffee with them. Pursue them and share your life with them.
If you're a younger woman with mature women of faith in your circle, ask them to get coffee with you. Pursue them, ask questions, and make yourself known to them.
We need more intergenerational friendships of women in the church, so we can be the Church and not be legalistic. We need more conversations about failing in our roles as a friend, wife, mother, leader, follower, and daughter so we can learn how to be better grace-receivers from Jesus and one another.
We are selling ourselves and our women short if we settle to being only a Proverbs 31 woman. Let's just be Proverbs women. That whole book is full of way more awesome wisdom than how one man described one woman in one chapter.
The women of every church make up a prism of different colors, shapes, passions, talents, and callings.
One size does not fit all. We've learned that in the fitting rooms, we need to live that out in the Church.
It starts with us and how we think about ourselves.
Ask God to help you see yourself the way He sees you. Ask Him to show you what your role is in His church.
I believe in us.
Can you imagine if our American church in 30 years had women who were God-pleasers that knew who they are in Him? It starts with us and how we think about ourselves and how we pass it along.
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If you are wrestling through some bad theology on being a woman, or need a safe place to process through what you just read, please email us at sincerelykindred@gmail.com or message us on Facebook or Instagram @sincerelykindred. A supportive friend would love to process with you and encourage you.