I’m sorry for all the walls I put up and I’m sorry I have a hard time letting you in. I’ve done this for so long. I do it because it's easier, it’s safer. Exposing pieces of myself is not natural for me. But, I am forcing these walls down because I have things to say. I have things that I need to tell you.
I need to tell you how very important dreams are. I'm sure you’ve heard it a thousand times..but really, it's true. They are important and keep us moving forward in such a big way.
But sometimes, dreams are also dangerous.
If I’m being transparent with you, I’ve been struggling. So hard.
I’ve been mad, jealous, drained, and just so tired.
I have so many goals and dreams that I’m chasing after, and it makes the “right now” I'm living in such a difficult space. Often times, chasing after these dreams has become just so exhausting that I want to give up.
Example: Sincerely, Kindred. I honestly began to resent it. I became selfish with my time and SK fell to the side. And geez, what a shame..because what a great thing it is! So life-giving and such an encouragement, but let me tell you..when you’re empty, you can't give anything to anyone else.
I've been asking, “Why am I not content?”
My life is so good! In the last 8 months, I got married, got a new job (that is honestly really cool), and started an illustration business.
But really, that doesn't feel like enough.
So here it is,
I’ve been ignoring God for a long time. Like a really long time.
Because I’ve been mad. I’ve felt hurt and I’ve felt out of place.
A lot of this has to do with being an artist in an environment where I often feel I can’t grow. But mostly, it has to do with the fact that I just want everything to go my own way, and for my dreams to be a reality right this very second.
And you know what I’m realizing?
I can be mad and pout and do nothing…or I can just stop. Like really, stop.
I can choose to take steps, no matter how small they are and just grow in the place that I am and serve with the abilities I have.
I can thank God that He has even given anything and move forward.
Right now, I am being called to this season of waiting; in this, I am learning and growing. This is a season to remember that God has placed these dreams in my heart and that they are something of value.
I’m not called to this place without reason. There is a purpose and if I am given opportunities to move towards my dreams, it's because of the things that I’ve learned as I am struggling in this season.