WORDS // SAM PALENCIA
We were made for relationship. We are constantly striving to be known, but a lot of the time we just fail at it.
I understand the weight you place on your shoulders and the fear of failure in trying to form just one single connection with another person.
I understand the panic that slowly fills the space in your chest as you sit in a crowded room not knowing what to say or who to say it to.
That is such a burden. I understand. I promise I do.
I spend a lot of time terrified, letting myself become intimidated by those around me. I am in a constant struggle of trying to get out of my own dang head and forcing myself to stop trying to plan every conversation I have before it happens. In these moments, there's always that voice screaming my inadequacies and telling me how alone I am.
There is an awful hollowness in that feeling. It presses around me and every thought becomes colored with it. These moments are crushing.
I feel all of these things. Constantly. Despite being surrounded by lovely friends, a beautiful family, and the sweetest fiance; I still feel them.
I say all this in an effort to be transparent with you, because you might feel these things too. If you do, I have something else to tell you (and myself).
You can’t believe any of these things. My feelings and your feelings are unreliable.
We tell ourselves so many horrible things.
"No one wants to be your friend"
"You have nothing interesting to say"
"Why even try?"
Sound familiar? Let me ask you, would you say those things to any other person?
No, of course not.
Not even to someone we don't care for. So why then do we treat ourselves so harshly? Why do we focus on these false thoughts?
You have to recognize that these statements are lies. You have to recognize all the things that you are and stop entertaining thoughts about all the things that you aren’t.
I know it is so much easier to just sulk in these statements. We let them distract from all the joys and let it become a pattern of thought that constantly tears us down. It is so hard to choose to rejoice and to choose to fight through fear. I mean, I had to get the word "rejoice" tattooed on my wrist to make sure I wouldn't forget. But I am better and you are better than the negative things we tell ourselves.
And I promise it is worth it. People are worth it. You are worth it.
LETTERING // SAM PALENCIA