ran. I wanted to be far removed from the pain, but everything reminded me of the height from which I had fallen. Eighteen long months of struggling, being crushed down until there was nothing left to pulverize, trapped by fear in an abusive relationship. “Broken” doesn’t even come close to describing me. But I was not ready to take action, was not ready to let go of him; the only temporary fix I saw was isolation.
So, I convinced myself of my community’s absence.
Read MoreI simply desire to eat an entire tin of Creme de Piroulines. Yet, I also desire to stop eating so many of those flaky, hazelnut wafers. And they are indeed wafers, they are disintegrating on my tongue, disappearing too quickly. In the morning, I struggle to wake and greet my Savior — my heart’s desire instead, is to snooze, and snooze, and snooze. As I go about my day, I desire to succumb to fears, take the easy route, give in to my irritability, and play the Pharisee.
Read MoreYou did it. You made it to church. You’ve been church hopping for a while and the newness of it all has worn off. You look around. You see the hands up high, or the mouths shut closed. The greeter was awkward. Their job is literally to welcome you and you found no comfort there....
Read MoreSince we’ve had our own place … well, even before that … my husband and I have opened boxes, sprawled board games across coffee tables, and passed cards across dining room tables. We make coffee, pour wine, eat food, and have a good time....
Read MoreMost days, life feels typical and normal. And by normal I mean totally crazy and wonderful and exhausting. But then there are the days filled with family visitations and social workers when I remember this life I signed up for isn’t normal; sometimes it’s flat-out hard and frustrating.
I am with you, kindred foster parent, in the trenches of this beautiful, messy life.
Read MoreAs someone who internalized at a young age that she was a sinner before she was anything else, I struggle when it comes to discerning my needs or trusting my instincts. Though I admittedly do it more often than not, I don’t think it’s right to put myself first.
Sinful from birth means selfish by nature. It means naturally thinking that the world should revolve around me. What I ought to do is forget my needs and extend myself in the service of others, not spiral inward and into my own self-indulgence.
Read MoreThe moment I walk into a room, eyes are fixed on me, prices in shops are raised, and the bottles of water are dusted off. Before I can open my mouth in my broken, native tongue, who I am has already been established; my salary has been assigned, my religion guessed, and, in some cases, the food I eat and how I eat it. All of these things have been decided based the color of my hair and skin.
Read MoreGod made a man. Then I made that man into an idol.I didn’t melt down gold and bow before a gleaming calf. There were no cultish practices or pagan sacrifices. The truth is that idolatry looks nothing like what I thought.
Read MoreSept. 10, 2017: “It takes courage to say I’m not okay. It takes strength to say I’m weak. It takes self-discipline to say I’m going to keep moving forward through the pain. It takes faith to remember that seasons of sadness don’t last forever and all of this will be redeemed.”
Read MoreI looked into the smiling face of Ramona Coffman, a deaconess at my new church in Amarillo, Texas, and could feel the authenticity of her invitation. Usually, my Friday nights consisted of working late and binging on Netflix to numb the ache of loneliness in a city where I knew no one.
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